Hello,

I know that I can react very sensitive and emotional on particular things (the songs "Simple Creed" and "Overcome" for example and comments on that) and that it makes some people feel uncomfortable or annoyed.

But there are reasons for this behaviour.

It is because I'm very aware of the fact that I have to be grateful that I'm still alive.
I was born with a serious spinal cord problem called spina bifida.
It means that my backbone hasn't closed properly and that my nervous system is seriously damaged.
And I had water on my brain which has done even more damage on my nervous system.
I barely survived the first weeks of my life and had several operations during my youth.
Okay my legs are for a big part paralysed and so is my belly and I have a motion disturbtion of my hands because my hands, eyes and brain don't work together very well.
But I'm still alive and appreciate that.

But that's why I feel unhappy when I see or hear about people who argue, abusing other people (or themselves), fight a war, oppress each other, kill each other (our themselves) or being not careful with the nature.
All that comes together in "Overcome" to me.

Then I feel like screaming out that people should LIVE their lifes and do positive things with it and LOVE EACH OTHER!
It feels to me like Ed is doing that for me in "Simple creed".

Further: I was bullied at school when I was a teenager because of the fact that I'm slow and unhandy and emotional, and some people (both classmates and a few teachers) saw that as a very funny combination.
The line "I bet you took a gun to school too!" ("Simple Creed") hit me like a knife the first time I heard it because I had to admit that I had ever felt like doing that.
That was a not very nice confrontation, but oh so necessary!

Further I want to make clear that I'm happy with my life in spite of everything I have been through, the disabilities I have to live with, the fact that I still meet misunderstanding very often (even people who have been knowing me all my life do struggle with understanding me).
But I know that there are a lot of good people (big and small) who love me, lots of good music with good lyrics (according to me), sweet animals and that I believe in God.

In other words: I'm happy, but I've got my scars and things that make me sad (I hope that you all understand that from now on).
But I live and love my life as much as I can!

All I ask from everybody is: try to understand, respect and love everybody for as much as you can and think before you post of what your post can do to others!

GvB.

This post has been edited by GvB: Aug 12 2006, 11:14 am

Well, I had no problem understanding you there. Well said and good for you for dealing with things the way you do.

I feel guilty sometimes for not being as appreciative of life as I should be. For not being happy for being blessed with what I HAVE actually been blessed with. I feel the same as you in a lot of ways and can appreciate what you've said.

But in the end, I really don't give a fuck anymore. People are going to be the way they're going to be and I can't change shit. So the attitude I take is that if you fuck with me? I'll hurt you and hurt you bad so that you know not to come back again unless you're prepared to kill me. I don't really give a shit what people do to each other anymore period. The entire world can blow to fucking bits for all I care.

But honestly, the world would be what people like you want it to be if EVERYBODY was born like you were. People would know what it's like to suffer. People would appreciate life so much more and maybe have a little compassion for the person next to them.

I envy you for your attitude, don't ever let go of it. Your disability is a blessing and the world needs more people like you.

and less people like you!!

LiveRoCkS77: Thank you very much for your reply.
I don't know what you have been through, but that must be hard too.
Maybe even harder than what I have been through.
Maybe it can help you to listen to songs that can help you instead of songs that confirm you into feeling bad.

Maybe the song "Where fishes go" which is on "The distance to here" can help a little.
I play that often when I have bad day and it helps me.
I hope that it can help you too.

Ladylakini17: Your reaction to LiveRoCkS77 is not fair.
His way of acting has its reasons too.
You don't know what he has been through.
And I guess it's something very difficult.

GvB.

the only reason i said that is because he has made very many nasty stabs at me in the thread 'shock, horror'....sry.....and even if he has been trough alot he doesnt need to be mean and heartless to everyone on the board.

i am sorry to hear about all your struggles youve been through in ur life and i can relate to u in many was for i have had many many obstacles to overcome in my life just like u have.....some which are even hard for me to talk about and i understand when u say that live has helped u out alot cuz they have helped me get through many hard times in my life, and yeah yeah i no im only 15 for those of u who judge me b/c of my age and dont think that i have been through nething harsh but just cuz im 15 doesnt mean a thing...many people should be thankful that wut happened to me didnt happen to them....and if it did...then my sympathy goes out to u.

sweet animals and that I believe in God

ANIMALS RULE

sry but i dont really see how that relates to the subject at hand...

it doesnt matter what age you are. With a bit of luck youll have some more tools of dealing with shitty things when you get older. Thats the only difference.
what ive come to understand and what i am trying to live is this, sometimes you need anger so you wont have to deal with the real underlying emotions. Its not a bad thing, its a necessary phase in dealing with it. But there does come a time that you have to face them, unless you wish to be angry and bitter for the rest of your life. It is a decision i made at some point, i dont want to feel angry and bitter and depressed anymore, so i delved into my feelings, went through even more shit doing that then when the events themselves took place. Things going back to early childhood etc etc. It wasnt easy, wasnt easy at all. But i am glad i did it. I am glad i made the decision not to want to be angry and depressed anymore. I admit life is a bit dull, when not everybody is out to get you, and there are no conspiracies of people trying to burry you. But there is also a lot more fun, ive learned to appreciate the little things, ive learned how i can avoid fights and discussions (most times anyway) without feeling like i am losing out. Ive learned how not to push certain buttons, and.. how not to have my own buttons pushed. It saves me a lot of energy, that i can put into fun things :-)
Basically what i meant to say was, it is a decision. Happiness is a decision to a certain extend. You need to make that decision, work through your shit and then you can be happy. You cannot control what happens to you... but you can most definately control how you deal with it. But you will have to deal with it...
my 2 cents, Lis

Hello everybody,

Lis:
Thank you!
You are right that you can learn to deal with things when you get older but that being young does not mean that you haven't been through things!
And what you said about anger is so true!
I have been there too, I had to learn that it's better to look at it, what it caused and get through the emotions under it too.
But can you tell me how you let not your own buttons being pushed without annoying other people?
Because that still happens too much to me.

Ladylakini:
That animal-thing comes from that I wrote in my message:
But I know that there are a lot of good people (big and small) who love me, lots of good music with good lyrics (according to me), sweet animals and that I believe in God.

I'm sorry to read that you have had already shitty things in your life on a young age too.
Unfortunately trouble doesn't wait until you're strong enough to overcome it, I know girl.
But: one day you will know how to deal with it!
If you need someone to share your troubles with, you can always send me a PM.
May I give you an advice?
Whatever it is: don't try to fix it on your own I guess it's something very, very bad and hard to carry too!
If you don't dare or want to tell me, please look out for someone else to talk to.
Try to find someone you can trust (this counts for other people in big trouble too)!
Sometimes it's hard to believe, but there are still any good people left in this world.

It's also bad that LiveRoCkS77 has stabbed on you, and I understand that it makes you feel angry and hurt.
It would have been better if he had not done that.

But believe me: even LiveRoCkS77 has his feelings and troubles, but he is affraid of what happens if he let's them come above and feels them and shows them.
He shows himself up like an angry young man who works of on everybody, but I bet he is a sad and terrified young man inside.
Consider that and give the guy the time to overcome things.

I wish everybody good luck and power enough to carry what he or she is carrying.
And maybe we can help each other carrying the luggage we have got.

GvB.

Partially correct. I am very scared of what the god forsaken shitbag planet holds for me children, and theirs.

But I need no time to overcome anything. I mean, one day I may find god and become at peace, but I really don't think so. I have no faith in people period, that is gone. And yes it makes me very sad because deep down inside, I am something worlds different than what I present myself to be. All the love I have, I shower upon my children. They are my angels and my reason for breathing. They are not yet corrupted by the snakes and slime that run this planet.

So am I a bit pissed at the world? Fuck yeah. Do I feel any need whatsoever to show people love. FUCK NO. I give my love, kindness and compassion to those I feel deserve it. To those people who present themselves comparable to how I feel about most morons in this world? I throw their ignorance and rudeness back in their face tenfold if not more.

Don't worry lakini, you're 100 percent right. The world can use less people like me, that's for fucking sure.

this is the core of it all... i am sad to hear this, even if i can understand. But what ive learned the hard way, is that it is not about trusting other people. It is all about how much you trust yourself. How much do you trust yourself to deal with the shit other people can pull on you?
You cannot control what other people do, or what they think. You can control yourself. You need to trust yourself, that you can handle whatever the world throws at you.
Saying it is easy, living it is not all that easy though. I tell myself every day, i can handle all the shit the world presents me with for several reasons... half of it isnt my shit to begin with. Let them keep it. It is their shit, let them deal with it. This goes for a lot of situations.
I was molested at one point long time ago. It has taken me nearly 30 years to figure out that, yeah i was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but the guy that molested me is the one with the problem. And ill be damned if i let someone elses problem run my life. I will not be a victim, and i will not carry his burden. I refuse to do that anymore. Im not the one you need to feel sorry for. He is. The only thing i am sorry about is that i didnt realise this, or wasnt taught this when i was younger.
It is this, and one other realisation that helps me not to have my own buttons pushed. The way you talk to people, provokes a reaction that is sorta "programmed". So if you change the way you talk to people, the way they respons will change accordingly. At the same time if you realise that your own respons is programmed, you can deprogram it. I.e. If i ask someone why the hell he didnt this or didnt that... he will try and defend himself. If he defends himself i will accuse him some more... Sounds familiar?
On the other hand if i ask it like... did you have time to do this or that... he can just say no without having to defend himself and i will not have to accuse him of other stuff either. In short im trying to deprogram myself, but you have to realise whats happening before you can do that. Realising that at some points you are just executing a program, also makes it easier to not get angry and still have faith in yourself, and not feel like youre losing out or are letting other people get away with things.
One more thing. You need to not only have faith in yourself, but also pride in yourself. Look at all the shit youve been through. It may not have been easy, but you are still standing or getting up. Not every one can say that. May take time, a lot of time, so?
So basically... faith in yourself, pride in yourself and some healthy deprogramming. Thats what i try to do :-)

Lis

Just for the record... i think its not faith in god, but faith in yourself that will get you where you need to be. I am not a religious person.

I am a little worried about liverocks children... i fear they will catch on that he is angry with the world, and that that will make them scared children. Cus children are a lot smarter then we give them credit for, and im afraid liverocks attitude will leave scars on them. I want to ask him, on their behalf, to think about working through it. All in good time though. You will know when the time is right.

Lis

thank u very much for your support....but wut happened to me that has scarred me in many ways happened to me when i was 8 and stopped when i was almost 10.....i did deal with it myself untill about 1year ago i finally told someone wut was bothtering me and i know wut u mean about talking to someone u trust....dealing with something as hard as wut i was at such a young age sent me into a depression as a child...which is not a fun way to spend your childhood years....but i told my best friend and she helped me get over it and now i feel sorry for the person that actually made me feel so hurt...cuz now he is a nobody pretty much a bum and i actually have things going for me in my life, great friends and family, and a great boyfriend.....and a great band to help me when times get rough again

and to LiveRoCks77 i do want to apologize about all the things we have said to eachother and i hope we can at least come to terms with eachother...im not saying we have to be the best of friends or nething just kinda make a truce and leave oneanother alone....u can either throw that in my face and make another one of your rude comments or u can understand where im coming from and come to a truce....w/e u decide really doesnt matter to me....it would just make it a little easier for everyone to get along

Hello!

Ladylakini: I don't say such things very often, but I hope that the one who hurt you so bad is in jail!

Further I would like to say: it might be you are the youngest here, but I bet you are also the strongest here!

GvB.